What we refer to as Recovery is in large part the recovery of the authentic self. That is: outside of living in recovery, our sense of self is both fake and fragile (our adaptive, constructed ego-self). Ego-self is selfish: it is afraid of annihilation and is motivated to prevail, even if at the expense of violating our own authentic values and other people’s too. It is self-seeking. Anything that is self-seeking is literally in search of the (real) self. So we have not found our authentic self and we desperately defend the fake self for fear of discovering a “nothing”, “nobody”, “no-one” or “no-self”. Indeed, how do we discern between selfishness as self-seeking versus self-caring, which we know is vital to recovery? I think it comes back to the values that are motivating our choices: authentic, or adapted? It is a logical necessity for humans to hold the authentic value that all humans matter. Only the ego can believe the fallacy that it matters but not others. I can’t recognize my own intrinsic value unless I experience it as universally unconditional. If I matter but someone else doesn’t, it means I matter conditionally: I matter if I am me, but not if I am you. Well, how do I know then that it’s not the other way around: you matter and I don’t? So the authentic self does care about others without abandoning itself. That is not the same as codependence. The codependent says “I don’t matter unless I make you matter first”. The authentic self says “I matter and so do you.” If selflessness is a spiritual virtue, it only has meaning if I have a self to begin with. How can I choose to set my self aside when I haven’t owned it yet? Not possible. And setting my self aside as an intentional choice is very different from self-abandonment. So I would say that “selfish behaviors” are recognizable by the following attributes: they please or reassure the false and fragile self (adapted ego), they somehow make the statement that someone else doesn’t matter as much as I do, and they ultimately obscure my authentic self and violate my authentic values. If I matter and so do others, there will be situations in which I’m faced with competing authentic values. This forces a decision. The self-seeking person always preserves the ego so there is no real decision-making. The self-ful person weighs the situation and makes a decision and then grieves the loss of setting the other value aside. The self-seeking person ignores or avoids experiencing loss. The self-ful person understands and accepts that losses are as fundamental to life as are gains: (s)he chooses the losses that hold more meaning and knows how to grieve them. To be in Empowered Maturity, we have to be sober {sobriety: "clarity of thought and feeling"} enough to trust our own experience/reality. What’s also difficult is admitting powerlessness over someone else‘s experience/reality who matters to us. When someone matters to us it doesn’t mean that we must take on—or feel responsible for shaping--their reality. Stay focused on maintaining your integrity and self care, and extend as much acceptance and compassion to others as you can—without abandonment of authentic self. When we see and accept situations as they are, all we’re left with is the responsibility to choose a mature, empowered response to the puzzle pieces in front of us. Distorted puzzle pieces cannot be fitted together. Managing our own experience in skillful sobriety is work enough without trying to manage another person’s. All human conflict is born out of the urge to lay claim to an objective truth and to thrust it upon others. “I’m right, you’re wrong”. But objective truth is an illusion. There are no observations that can exist independently of their observers.* That’s why sobriety is so important. We are each responsible for the accuracy of our own subjective truth. Without sobriety we don’t have access to the only kind of truth with which we have the power to create our own destinies. Be clear about what you owe to others, but don’t try to give them the things only they and their Higher Power can provide them with. *For those who are philosophically inclined, this is the realization that in order to truly know anything, one must engage with it. Observation is ultimately interactive, and the act of observation disrupts or alters what is being observed. Quantum physicists discovered that the very act of measurement at atomic scales was not possible without affecting what was being measured. At a more comprehensible, human scale, we wouldn't claim to know someone without, for example, engaging in some conversation with them. But the conclusions we form about what's "out there" (the other person) are highly informed by what we brought to the encounter, knowingly or unknowingly. It's not as objective as we would like to believe.
The cub develops its potential because mother cares but doesn't rescue. Three words that are regularly used almost interchangeably in the Twelve-Step community are abstinence, sobriety, and recovery. As my clients know, I'm a stickler when it comes to distinguishing between these three terms. I find it importantly useful for recovering addicts to allow each term to have its own precise meaning.
Abstinence means the cessation of a particular behavior. So an abstinent alcoholic ceases to drink alcohol. It's that simple. But simple doesn't mean easy. So yes, we affirm and celebrate any period of abstinence because it's a considerable achievement that deserves support, but it's also merely the beginning. Sobriety is a state that emerges as a result of prolonged abstinence. It's not about behavior anymore, as much as it's about mental and emotional clarity. The reason addicts' lives are unmanageable is that they're not in touch with the wisdom of their emotions, and while their reasoning may perhaps be logical, they don't make sense. So an abstinent person isn't necessarily sensible, but a sober one starts to be. Recovery is a way of life that is formed in sustained sobriety. In recovery, we learn to maintain and endure the experience of being alive in a state of mental and emotional clarity. We learn to respond intentionally to our experiences instead of reacting to them impulsively or compulsively. Most significantly, in recovery, we develop the ability to discern between our authentic values and our acquired values, and we heal our ancient injuries; thus we discover and recover our authentic self, and we live our life in a way that manifests the meaning and purpose of who we truly are. |
Patrick Hentsch
Founder of Empowered Maturity™ Archives
October 2020
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